There, I said it ... and I posted it!

I'm in the midst of an emotional meltdown. I don't think it's a breakdown, because I haven't suddenly just fallen and broken into a thousand little pieces. No. I've slowly succumb to a miserable heat generated by a hurried lifestyle, an ingrained sense that being late to anything is tantamount to a deadly sin, and a flurry of anxiety, origin unknown. Well, unknown for the most part.

It's been 10 years since I last saw my mother in any sort of functional capacity. Christmas 2004 was a time when I saw her in a totally new, genuinely weakened state. Metastatic breast cancer that, 3 days later, would grow sufficiently in her brain that she'd have seizures in front of me, prompting a call for an ambulance and then, what she didn't want at all, treatment that led to an induced coma in which we waited for the inevitable demise of the physical body.

These 10 years have given me plenty of time to finally sort out who I was, as ever since I can remember, I have lived this life of what she wanted me to be ... or what she wanted out of me that she could never get, do, achieve, etc. I'm still somewhat angry about the years, experiences, that were taken from me by her from this regard, how I can never make the experiences again as I'm too old to not look totally idiotic doing them. I've achieved some things based on my own interests, but I often wonder if the foundations of those interests weren't actually forced upon me. I do think it is important for parents to guide and facilitate, not to stand idly by as their children try to tread their way through things. But I don't think it's appropriate to dictate entirely what is done when, how, and where. I also think it's critical for parents, now being one myself and having what seem like out-of-body experiences when I criticize my kids over what amount to the little things, to not go all out with the critiques that I believe make a kid overwhelming self-conscious when coupled with the life-long control of the when, how, and where. So that's where I think I get my anxiety from ... the heart-pounding fear that being late to a faculty meeting results in "all eyes on me, judging me, thinking to themselves how disappointing I am, despite all the promise I have, the potential I'm not living up to." The self-doubt and lack of confidence and the resulting desire to close myself off to the world because I can't handle that anxiety of being judged.

When I think about it all, it's wholly irrational. I know I'm fucking awesome but that I need work hard(er) to keep that awesomeness. I know I'm not super gorgeous by the American anorexic standards, but that I sure am classically beautiful. I'm smart as all hell, though that does prompt me to engage in arguments (debates) for the hell of it. I'm lucky to have a tight-knit group of friends who do the same, whose opinions are vast, varied, and respected. I'm lucky to have a best friend who is also a loyal, trustworthy husband. I'm ever so thankful for the healthy kids I managed to bake and pop out, but at the same time bark at - no, yell, full out yell at - when things aren't done perfectly like an adult would do. I have high standards, but I need to fucking check myself with them. They ARE kids. They ARE learning. I WANT them to live THEIR lives knowing that their father and I will always be here, NOT judging them. I don't know, though, how to spiral my way back out of the abyss I've been in since I was about 15 that finally showed there was some light after all once I was 25, after my mother died. Yes, I'm sad that she died, that my kids don't have the grandmother that my one nephew got to experience. But I don't miss the anguish, the micromanaging, the control. No, I'm happy - thrilled beyond belief - that it's finally gone. Yes, I feel guilty for saying that, but not nearly as guilty as I feel for being a raging asshole to my kids, my son in particular. I recently found myself thinking that I shouldn't have had kids, that I wasn't cut out for this role. That I'm probably producing some sort of mass-murdering psychopath who will invariably have mommy issues.

I wish I could just cut myself off from the world for a few months, to genuinely find myself. To experience those things I missed out on between ages 15-25. I just really need a pause, skip, or whatever button. But I'm always the one who has to be there for everyone, to temper the wide ranging emotions of the people around me, to be the rational, scientific one. It's tiring and I think I've earned a break. But it's always other people who seem to get the breaks ... the real recuperative, relaxing breaks, the ones where you come back knowing again who you are, why you're here, why you're doing what you're doing day in and day out. Right now, I'm just done and I need to get more than an hour or two to myself. I've lived for other people for the last 35 years, with very few exceptions, none of them substantially long-term enough to learn about myself ... the only true exception to this was a year I spent with a host family in Germany which, within a year of my return, my mother proclaimed "the worst decision ever made" because, apparently, I came back a different person. Wow, there's a surprise, I got to know my teenage-self and realized, though unable to articulate it, who I was or wanted to be. How in the fuck is that the worst decision ever? And here we go, the renewal of my own mommy issues.

What's the point of this posting? Not much really. I just needed time and space to unload. I keep things so bottled up so much of the time without much release in any meaningful way, so this is how I can vent, sitting on my bed, delaying my own kids' bedtime to write this down. So on that note, off I go, back to the real world after a short 30min writing session....

Getting kicked out of the Y

As you may know, running does not come easily to me. I've had some heinous leg injuries that often cause excruciating, radiating, throbbing pain to my legs whenever I spend a lot of time on my feet or moving back and forth, like when packing up my classroom. As a result, there's been some serious weight gain. I found that VFFs 'fixed' my ankle back in 2007-ish and have not worn any other type of shoe since. However, Vibram no longer makes the most comfortable and effective barefoot running shoe for me, so I've turned to two other barefoot shoes: Mini-Mil boots boots for wet, cold weather and/or hiking and Luna Sandals for everyday wear in warm, dry weather or easy walks/hikes. While I might experience pain after a long day or hike in either of these a few times a year, I don't get the near-daily pain ... the kind that made me need narcotic pain killers just to get through the day. [Let me tell you those drugs are wonderful, but highly addictive, and the migraines I got when I purposely didn't take them were just as debilitating as the leg pain! Be careful if you ever find yourself on something like Tramadol!] I try to surround myself with healthy, open-minded, adventurous people that can keep me on track, motivated, and supported, even if unintentionally. These are friends of mine I trust and who might also struggle with issues of exercise motivation, scheduling, dietary restrictions, etc. I love to swim, but after a few heart-pumping laps, I start to have small jerks that mimic myoclonic seizures ... that's no fun. I could do biking, but I left mine in CA when we moved to TX and what would I do with the two small kids, one of whom does not yet ride proficiently enough? I do have a stationary bike in the house, but man, that can get booooooring.

Now that summer has arrived, I restarted out Y membership. I found I was paying for a family city-wide membership but we could never get to the facilities given the crazy, late schedules we kept. Whenever we did go, the kids were too tired and were a nightmare to deal with. I looked forward to this summer with excitement and a goal: get to the gym 3-4x per week, put the kids the childcare, and follow the C25K routine, which had been so great to me during my most recent maternity leave. Then, spend the rest of the day running the errands, playing, getting ready for kindergarten, etc., etc.

Day 1 ... the plan came to a screeching halt. The kids were in the childcare, AITB not having been too thrilled to be in a new, unfamiliar setting, but she did ok since NMTB was there with her ... Honestly, I had to tell them she was 3 - which she will be in September - to insure they would be on the same side of the room, otherwise, they would have been split up and her crying-fest would surely have led to the end of my session. I go over to the treadmills, get started on C25K, and then see the notice on all of the treadmills: They are reserved for skills, drills, and fastest mile, a class held the same day and time I was there at. Great. Whatever, I thought to myself. I had seen them out in the field and there were obviously more treadmills than participants. Two people ended up on either side of me and their trainer would record how fast their treadmill miles were. Everything was going swimmingly .... until 23 minutes into my 30 minute workout, when this little, petite girl came over, tapped me on the shoulder, and motioned me to take my headphones off. I paused the C25K app and treadmill to listen to her tell me that because I'm wearing sandals, I can't be in the gym. I say "these are running sandals, look them up lunasandals.com". She seemed genuinely surprised but, being powerless, said she had to enforce whatever someone told her. There was some more back and forth, fruitlessly. I got off, said I'd cancel my membership because of this, and went to collect the kids. At this point, I'm nice and warmed up, sweaty, and not in any condition to be told to get out of the gym. I had just barely hit the endorphin release that I enjoy getting .... I wasn't in any sort of pain .... I had a great rhythm going ... and I was meeting my goal. I asked another woman at the desk to speak to a manager about how/why huaraches aren't allowed, which led to yet another surprised look, one that I interpreted as "yeah, huaraches are running sandals, why can't you have them?" and I ended up speaking with what I can only describe as a bureaucratic nincompoop. I asked him what the deal is, why it is that they don't allow these running sandals that have been around so much longer than "covered shoes" to use his phrase. His reason is that I "could scrape my foot on the moving belt". What?! I could scrape my foot wearing POS flip-flops at the pool. This argument fell upon death - or dumb - ears, then rebutted with that I could use other cardio equipment. No go, dude, because ellipticals force the ankle to bend too extremely for my ankle to tolerate and my knee can't handle that movement either. Plus, why are shoelaces allowed on treadmills? Haven't you ever had a shoelace come untied??? Oh dear, what if that happens on the treadmill, and it gets caught in the belt and your paying customer has a serious injury? The difference between these custom-made huaraches and flip flops or tennis shoes is that they are cut to the size and shape of my foot and formed to the curvature or my arch through use and held securely in place, wrapped comfortably around my ankle, with a single leather strap. I showed him this, that there was absolutely not one millimeter of extraneous material or unsecured leather strapping. No matter, I wasn't allowed in the gym area, near or far away from weights, with these sandals, even if they were designed for running through centuries of design. [A witty person told me I should have told this guy that Jesus ran in sandals, to see if the Christian part of YMCA could be dealt with using humor.]

I asked this manager why he only presented me with a problem and no solution. I was very clear that I could obtain PCP, orthopedist, pain management specialists, and other medical doctor notes to attest to my inability to wear traditional athletic shoes. Only momentarily did this seem to move the incident in my direction, but just as quickly the manager went back to his position that these huaraches were absolutely unacceptable. So, here we are, cancellation forms filled out citing intolerance of special needs by the manager as my reason for canceling. I really wanted this to work ... the kids like the splash pad and swim lessons and I liked that I was heading in the right direction. 

One snivvly little jerk of a manager and now I have to replan the summer. I'll check out the other gyms, like Gold's, Fitness 19, Lifetime Fitness, etc., but, with the exception of Gold's which I have yet to visit, haven't enjoyed the facilities or childcare. I don't mind going to the parks, either, but was hoping for a reprieve from the heat and humidity that can torture me and the kids, never mind aggravate the seizures. I also now have to find a pool, lake, or river to bring the kids on our off-days. The only "good" thing about this is that, due to their 30 day cancellation policy, I'll be charged in 10d for another month of membership, which means our membership ends mid July. At least I have time to find solutions - and am willing to be creative, unlike Mr. I-Only-See-Problems-and-Won't-Work-With-You-On-This Manager. I just hope the kids become comfortable enough in the water so that next summer will be spent at the community pool without having to dole out oodles of money for more lessons. This way, I can just run 2/3 mile there and back without anyone telling me I can't wear my sandals. 

Sum-sum-summertime!

We - the two kids and I - spent 6 weeks of the summer visiting friends and family in the Northeast. It was an incredibly challenging experience, travelling alone with two small kids, one an energetic, sometimes spacey 4 year old and a 21 month old who adores her father to pieces. Well, we all adore him, but she, in particular, is attached to him like crazy to the point where I sometimes feel like she couldn't care less for me. But we went because I wanted a vacation and the kids needed to meet my family. AITB, had yet to meet anyone! It had been 2 years since NMTB last saw my father and it was at his baptism in WA that he last saw anyone else! I hadn't been back to there for more than 36h since, I believe, shortly after my mother died in 2005. Time to visit indeed. 

Packing for 6 weeks for three in an efficient way so as to make checking in at the airport, being in the plane, traveling by trains and cars easy and practical was by far the hardest part. Luckily, I didn't have to travel initially with a travel crib and thankfully I had a double stroller to transport either the kids or the luggage. We stayed in the Baltimore area for two nights at first, visiting with family and friends, checking out the National Zoo with a friend of mine from college who lived locally and getting adjusted to our new way of "out of the suitcase" living. 

National Zoo, Washington DC

It was a hectic 2 day visit, but nonetheless enjoyable. On the third day we took a train to visit some friends in the NJ/NYC area and this is where the packing became most tricky. Because the kids are so little, they still require car seats. Prior to the trip I had researched all the options, including this little number, a seemingly very practical alternative to the bulky car seats I ended up using. The double stroller, a Graco duo glide, was so useful in transporting these seats while still allowing AITB to be shuttled around in the front seat. If I had been able to see the travel car seat vest thingies in person, I might have bought them, but at $135 a piece, I didn't want to risk them being the wrong size or not working as well as they are advertised. I also decided not to take the available travel crib and instead opted to buy a new one once we got to our destination in NJ. So, we piled into the train in Baltimore headed for Newark Airport to get a rental car. Amazingly, the kids took to the train like they had always traveled this way. For AITB, it was her 2nd train ride in her life, having taken a 25h ride from California to Texas at the wee young age of 10 days old. For NMTB, it was his first train ride and he loved it. Within an hour, both of them had fallen asleep on top of each other - quite a hilarious sight!

Nothing makes traveling easier than when your kids fall asleep!

They navigated the airport monorail system with easy, making my job of pushing the car seat-loaded stroller while dragging the wheeled suitcase and carrying the 40L backpack so much easier. For NMTB, this was an exciting time of learning valuable listening and leadership skills as I had put him in charge of being the line leader (with me providing GPS-like directions) and pushing elevator buttons. I realized during this trip, too, just how excellent it is to have 2 kids so close in age because AITB is seeing this remarkably responsible behavior from NMTB and, by the end of the trip, was beginning to model it herself. 

In New Jersey, we got to spend time with my CIA-trained chef/SAHM friend from way back in middle school. It's shocking to me that we haven't seen each other in over 15 years yet somehow it was as though only a year or two had gone by and we miraculously had kids ranging from under to 2 to 10 years old. I'm sure reconnecting on Facebook helped, but still the reunion was easy from my perspective. Her kids were inspiring to NMTB as he hasn't really spent time with kids older than him - actually, his birthday sets up him to usually be stuck with younger kids at school - and it was refreshing to see him develop some independence, even if it came with increased freshness and backtalking. This is where AITB started to develop a better relationship with me, though she did absolutely love the middle brother, who showed her the most gentle, brotherly affection and attention. That our hosts had two dogs was also a great way for the kids to transition to an intensive travel/visiting/touristy schedule, since it gave them something very familiar that they missed a lot throughout the whole trip. On one of the days where the kids and their father went to the shore - yes, the Jersey shore - my friend had NMTB help her make pizza dough from scratch. This was another huge thing for him because he absolutely loves competitive cooking and seems to play shows like Chopped in his head for what seems to be all day long. He's even introduced the theme of the show to his classroom at school while he and friends "compete" in the play kitchen. The pizzas turned out great and was a very memorable thing for him, in particular. 

Learning how to make the dough

His completed pizza

"Hobbits" checking out the lavender garden

Upon the boys' return, we got to spend some time in the community pool. NMTB has, since we first introduced him to a pool when he was 3mo old, had some major issues with water. He loves bathtime, but whenever he'd go into a pool, he'd be scared, clinging to one of us for dear life, then at night waking up screaming as though he'd had a dream he was drowning. Even putting him in formal swim lessons at age 2 didn't solve the issue, so we just avoided pools altogether, to my dismay. Last summer I did take him tubing with the San Antonio Nature Hounds when they had an outing to a local river. I got him a vest and we bought a side-by-side tube. By the end of the day, he was going down the rapids but was still petrified if i let him go, despite the life vest. I'm thankful that I'm a strong swimmer and don't panic if he pushes me underwater, but I worried a great deal that he would never develop a love for or a confidence in water. So, at the local pool in NJ he wore the vest and slowly remembered that he could go deep enough where he didn't touch the ground. Again, my friend's kids were instrumental in a positive peer pressure sort of way, but NMTB was still fearful. AITB was a wreck, freaking out over the sand she had to walk on just to get to our spot, and scared to the point of hyperventilating when i took her into the water. By the end of the NJ visit, she was ok standing in the water, but didn't dare sit or go in without clinging to me. 

Museum of Natural History, NYC

During our time in NJ, we met up with a childhood friend of mine who has a daughter just 2 months younger than AITB. Coincidentally, her younger sister has a daughter 2 weeks younger than AITB and who, by an amazing coincidence, has the same first name as AITB! (After all, how could another kid have the same initials, too ;) ) We met in NYC to visit the Natural History Museum which was an exhausting but very fun trip. The kids were so tired that they fell asleep at the end of the museum visit or shortly after leaving which left us to have a sushi lunch, which was a wonderful luxury for me, especially, since I haven't had the opportunity to have quality sushi since leaving CA. AITB woke up in time to enjoy some miso soup and devour the seaweed garnish and sashimi. It had been a hot and tiring day but another excellent experience under our belts. 

Our trip to NJ ended with a 2 night stay at the shore visiting family and celebrating the high school graduation of my nephew. This was NMTB's first trip to the beach since 2010 and he loved it. The experience at the pool clearly helped him as did the fact that his cousins were totally ok with the ocean waves. AITB, on the other hand, was yet again totally wigging out ... at first. After learning that the sand and beach toys were a welcome alternative she calmed down and was able to take in the water experience with much less stress. The kids each got a shark tooth necklace as their first bit of shore/ocean swag. We enjoyed a great graduation party and time at the beach house with lots of people whom I haven't seen in a very long time and who the kids never met. Our last night there was spent at the boardwalk riding rides and my brother winning NMTB and his cousin each a light up "bubble gun".

Popping wheelies on the Boardwalk

Filling the night sky with bubbles

 I think this is where they realized finally that the essence of the trip was to meet new people, experience new things, have fun, and relax. We drove back to Baltimore to spend a few more days experiencing DC and celebrating 4th of July. We went to the U of M pool on Friday where NMTB was shown this neat "jousting" device that helps kids learn balance in the water. After literally a couple of minutes, he was no longer fearful/clingy in the water and was swimming alone with a vest! That allowed me to focus on AITB and get her accustomed to the near weightlessness sensation. On the 6th, we packed up all of our stuff - the suitcases, backpacks, car seats, travel crib, and stroller - to head to our final destination in CT, again by train. 

Knocked out on the train again.

I finally got kicked off and had to sit on the floor.

We spent 3.5 weeks in Connecticut, in house just a few yards from a private lake that we share with the neighbors. The house itself sits on a quiet dead end road. I have many, many fond memories of swimming and rowing in the lake as well as driving to RI to spend the day at the beach. 

Of course, with the kids' water/swimming issues, I was no longer really looking forward to time in the water and was a bit stressed out over how to spend our days. Of course there were things to do within 30min - 2h away, but that sort of repetitive car travel takes its toll on me and the kids. Plus, I wanted to be back in the lake again after nearly 10y away! Maybe if the kids saw that I had fun and there weren't all those distractions - like the other kids at the pool and the toys at the beach - then maybe they could focus on developing their skills and hone their independence. On our first trip to the lake there was a sight I'd never seen before ... FROGS! Dozens and dozens of freshly developed frogs just sitting at the waters edge! There were humongous tadpoles in the water, too, and frogs still with tails both in and out of the water. 

The entire shoreline had freshly developed frogs hanging out. 

These really scared NMTB and so he relegated himself to always entering the water from the dock. AITB was having none of this water business for a couple of days, but slowly loosened her grip on me each day. We did go to the beach and the kids wore their vests on the first day; each trip after that though we were told they couldn't have vests if the water was too rough and then finally on the last day we were told that they couldn't have vests regardless of the conditions. Inconsistent rules that changed day by day and NMTB was pretty pissed the last day that he couldn't go into the water by himself. Back to CT, we visited a public access beach on another lake where there is a much lower grade to enter the lake, unlike ours which has a short shallow part and then a steep and muddied drop off. Here, AITB developed some independence thanks to the pool noodles I bought, having been inspired by that jousting thing at the UM pool. These are what changed everything for both kids! AITB had clearly wanted to play with NMTB and be independent in the water like he was now. Now she had something that gave her that independence while also helping her develop a sense of balance in the water. Within a day she was swimming by herself with the noodle and by the end of the week she didn't even want the noodle as a support device but rather as a toy, just as NMTB was using his. It was amazing to witness such an amazing physical and psychological/cognitive development! 

A seagull brazenly took his grilled cheese out of his hand and left him, instead, with this badge of honor. 

Castle builder

Our plane ride back home to Texas was exhausting. Initially we were supposed to stay in CT until 8/8, but I changed the flight to 7/30 (thank you Southwest for the no-change fees!) because I felt like the trip had been taking its toll on the kids and they would likely need an extra week of bumming around and adjusting before heading back to school so quickly. This was a great idea, inspired by a conversation with LB about how the kids were acting while in CT, a combination of instability and exhaustion manifesting itself into outright jerkiness by both of them. So, instead of a short flight to BWI and then a 3.5h flight to SA, we took a 2.5h flight to Chicago with a 1.5h layover and then another 2.5h flight to Austin. LB got us a hotel room, set everything up for our arrival after midnight and that was a wonderful thing to come "home" to. The last thing I wanted for the kids was to have to drive 1.5h to get home. After all, they'd likely be so excited to see their father after a long trip without him that they wouldn't sleep and then they'd be ultra-jerky! NMTB has, since birth, had difficulty sleeping and becomes inconsolable for several minutes up to an hour if he wakes up abruptly. Unfortunately, he fell asleep with an hour left in the flight, at about 10.30pm, well after his bedtime, even though AITB fell asleep 15min after takeoff. I had to wake him up after only 40min of sleeping and, of course, he was hysterical. I also had to wake up AITB who had, a few minutes earlier, fallen off her seat while I was asleep. Poor girl! She adjusts very well to being woken up though, thankfully. I got them both off the plane after lots of encouragement (and verification by a quick phone call) that their father was at the gate waiting for them. I put AITB into the front of the stroller, tossed the backpacks and diaper bag in the back seat, had NMTB walking in front of me and, as we exited the jetway, I saw LB's shoes. I asked NMTB, who had mostly gotten himself under emotional control, "Hey, look, who's there?" NMTB walked, then ran, crying so hard at the sight of his father towards LB. AITB, who saw him shortly after NMTB did, waited a few seconds before jumping off the stroller, something she's never done before. She, likewise, started crying. It took a good 5min of them holding and hugging each other for us to leave the gate and collect the bags. The hotel LB got was absolutely wonderful with the most comfortable bedding and mattress ever. We relaxed and had a midnight meal (we hadn't had anything but snacks the whole trip) while watching, as though scripted for a movie, Chopped. NMTB wanted to sleep with LB and AITB, for the first time ever did not want to sleep alone and instead slept with me in the other bed. She did not move all night long! The next day we drove home to SA and the kids were ecstatic to see the dogs again. 

It was a wonderful trip in which I got to visit family and friends and they got to meet my kids. Above all, I got to spend time seeing my kids develop new skills and personalities. Now that we are at home, they are happy to be back in their beds with a less intensive schedule. But I've decided to take advantage of their new-found love of water and get a Y membership. As luck would have it, the pool was closed due to an accident the day before (yikes!), so we checked out the local community pool. It isn't a bad option for a day, but I doubt we're going to get a whole summer membership next year. However, the most amazing thing happened! NMTB went into the water without much hesitation without his vest - he did ask for it, but since LB was able to focus attention on AITB, I figured NMTB needed to experience water without the vest with me helping me instead. In just a few minutes he was swimming several feet at a time, then swam virtually the whole width of the pool, about 45 feet! Then he saw the diving board and started jumping off into 10 feet of water, swimming over the ladder after "tagging" me in the middle of the pool (I waited about 6' from the board in case something happened and to help him to the surface if he needed it). Can you believe it?! From intense fear to jumping into 10' of water! And AITB was steady as a rock, floating, swimming, playing with her vest on. She did try the diving board, but was too afraid to jump, a very prudent move on her part. It was a great day and I look forward to our last week of vacation before they go back to school and I go back to work. I have no regrets about leaving research and going into public service, especially if I get to have summers and experiences like this every year! 

Life changes, life doubt, life opportunities

Before I begin, let's put up an objective so I know I won't miss anything:

1. A Brief History
2. Current Events
3. Current Issues
4. Future Decisions

Ok, so a Brief History. I have a PhD in the life sciences. I'm highly educated, highly skilled, very passionate, yet somehow I can never convey my abilities to a future employer. In other words, I have problems marketing myself. After having my first kid, I couldn't focus on my work very well. I wanted to be home with him, to give my husband a reprieve from spending all day with a fussy, crying kid. We had no family around, since we'd just moved to a new place. In retrospect, it was a bad idea to leave where we'd lived 3mo before our son was born. But who would've known. My husband's unemployment didn't help the lack of focus either. We had serious money issues, on a pathetic post-PhD salary and his unemployment, which he didn't start collecting until a month after our son was born (that's 4mo after he lost work). We were paying the equivalent of our mortgage because of the downturn in the rental market in the country and our rent was astronomical. We had to pay a rather large chunk to cover our mortgage on the house, plus the rent in the new state. After just 9mo of this, we made a tough decision to return to our house, which in and of itself was a nightmare - the property manager was a no-good scheister. I had landed a job at a local university, and we hoped that my husband would get his old job back, or at least some part-time work. Two-and-a-half years later and that *never* materialized. So many promises were made to him by employers all over, and all of them fell through. Then he finally got a job, but I was pregnant with the second kid. I was miserable - MISERABLE - in my job at the university, so it seemed like a good opportunity to make a new start. And so far, it pretty much has been.

I love that I've been able to stay home with our kids. I simply love it. I love it so much, I regret I wasn't able to do it with our son. I feel like he got cheated. Yes, he had his father home, but my son and I hadn't bonded until my husband left in Summer 2011 for his job in another state, leaving me to finish up my job and finish baking our daughter. So I was left with the toddler, too. Of course, when we then moved to join my husband 3 months later, our bonding time was over and it was time for the boys to reconnect. But me staying home 24h/day has helped to recover some of that missed bonding in my son's first 2 years.

My job at the university was so disconcerting, so ethically and morally challenging, questionable, reprehensible and it lacked the professional development and opportunities I'd come to expect from post-PhD work, that I wasn't too broken up by the break up. It was coming and we all knew it. My boss knew it. I knew it. We just didn't say anything to each other. Legally, being put out on disability because of issues with the pregnancy and my employer not paying a single dime, I was covered on not communicating with them. But the experience was so fundamentally 'traumatizing' that I want nothing more to do with that line of work. Well, at least not in the context that I was in. So here I am, two kids in tow and highly educated and no job lined up. So I went back to school, with a goal in mind to become a private/prep school teacher in the eventual future. I live in a culturally diverse area, but in a region with significant historical racial issues. The courses I take are heavy on the sensitivity training, light on the curriculum/pedagogy training. I feel like I'm being prepared to be a counselor, not a skilled educator. There's a good chunk of money invested in this, but I still don't feel entirely 'happy'.

I do remind myself of why I decide to take this path: decent money (I know for all those educators out there, this must be a joke, but for us, it would be a comfortable 2nd income), regular schedule, good benefits, time off. The time off is a big one, because I want to be available to my kids, I want the time to take them on vacations. To relax. But more and more, I'm not feeling these benefits will be worth it if I can't land a job. Why do I get that feeling? Because virtually everyone I talk to - except those people doing the recruiting at the university, who take my money - laughs, cringes, or otherwise scoffs at my decision, at my altruism, maybe even may naivete. I don't know, but I'm not shy about asking these people why they react the way they do. And I get the same answer every time: Oh no, I'm sure you'll enjoy it. It's just that these kids won't care about what you know, why you became a teacher, that you have a PhD. Ok, so that might be true, but what about the private/prep/boarding schools?

Well, there was a freaking eye-opener recently. In my home-state is a very prestigious boarding school, the tuition for which is more than I'd hope to make my first year out of the gates at a public school in the current state I live in. When I did a half-assed Google search, I stumbled upon an article, albeit an old one, about what the teachers at this prep school make. Holy shit! They make less than the tuition that is charged to each boarded student! Are you freaking kidding me? With less than a hundred faculty and a 1:10 faculty:student ratio, you can't at least pay these graduate-degreed teachers what a single student's family pays in tuition?!?! So, jeez, not even the private schools with asstons of money regard their teachers highly enough to give them a decent wage? What the heck?

And here we are, looking back at our past decisions: no, I'll do the PhD and maybe later, if I want, a JD; oh, I'm coming upon the completion of my PhD, I think I'll check out patent law; oh, my advisor makes some valid points against law school and maybe it isn't really what I want to do; shit, this PhD thing is a Ponzi scheme!; damn it, I knew I should've done law school, but with 2 kids now, I don't want to miss out on their lives!; I'll do teaching, even if it doesn't earn a lot; oh my god, sending my kids to a good school is going to cost how much?!?!; this teaching thing might not really be what I should do, let's check out the local law school; oh crap, the application deadline is tonight!; damn, I'm not sure if I want to do law school after all, that was a waste of $90; go for the teacher educator program especially since the law school doesn't really have a strong patent law program anyway.

You see the pattern, right? Frustration, confusion, desperation. There's also a lot of fear and disappointment. What if I go one route and I regret it? What if I get into too much debt and can't get that 6-figure job? What if.... At this point, I can't be risky, not with two kids, one of whom will be going to school a couple of years. Education in this country is bound to become a major career, but will it get to that point before I need to hit up my nest egg? Law schools put out so many attorneys, they can't all find jobs. Why the heck can't I get a job with my freaking PhD?! It's a freaking PHD! Times have changed a lot from when my father got his PhD, where you could get an academic job without a post-PhD job. Or at least a very short one. Now, you can't get one unless you're Noble Prize caliber. That's horsepoopy to me. Major horsepoopy. And then we hear the Prez say we need more scientists and engineers. Wrong. You need to employ the ones you already have, get them into the private sector even if they don't have prior private sector experience. It's not like we're flippin' spies! We just want a paycheck! Welll, and to contribute to society. Of course.

So that was one realization I had. Why did I continue to pursue altruistic careers: science for the good of humanity at the cost of a good salary; educator of children at the cost of a good salary. Enough of that. My mother always wanted me to be able to compete with men, so I figure it's time to think like a man: I'm damn worth every penny I'm going to ask from a company and since these public and private schools aren't going to put out, if the law school takes me, adios altruism and bon jour international biotechnology/patent law. Money money money. I know money doesn't make one happy and it doesn't solve all problems, but if it sets my kids up for a good education for which they don't have to go into death-inducing debt, then fine.

But of course, there's the nagging problem of me not being a quitter. My husband and I are still trying to figure out if there's a way for me to get my teaching credential while enrolling in law school. It might be doable, plus it would get me a day job - high school science teacher by day, cutthroat law student by night, sleep-deprive parent all-around ;) What I need to do, is make a decision, be happy with it, not look back and wonder 'what if...'. I still look for jobs that utilize my PhD - just recently I applied for another job in the Caribbean; the first of which I was offered the job, but had to turn it down due to the circumstances at the time. Bummer.

And, in the end, as of right now, I haven't gotten in to law school. Nor have I gotten a teacher of record job. Whoever strikes first might make my mind up for me. I guess I'll just have to wait and see what divine intervention has in store for me ...

Vibram part 2!

To my dismay, I had to return my FiveFingers after about a week. As it turns out, the size 40s stretched too much, beyond what I expected, and thus my most injured foot started to slide back and forth. It dawned on me that this may be the same reason all my other 'traditional' shoes have failed me after just a few weeks. I got my money back, moped about for a couple of days, then refocused on the task at hand: prepping for my son's 2nd year birthday party and the impending arrival of his grandfather (my father). I resort to my backup shoes, the NB trail running/walking shoes mixed up with some random sport flip-flops that, my surprise, have been second best to the Vibrams. of course, neither shoe is nearly as effective over the long-term as the Vibrams were, so after a few hours, I once again couldn't walk without agonizing pain and a freakish limp. At night, I'd wake up, do the midnight pregnancy pee and return to bed. I yearned for those few nights I could do this like a spritely youth. Each day was more painful than the previous one and I really just couldn't believe that that simple little shoe had so radically changed my legs. I finally broke down and dragged the husband to the sports store and, after agonizing over the cost of these in conjunction with what would be spent on hosting the ultimate shindig in about a week, he forced me to deal with the obvious: either you deal with the pain that has sucked the life out of you these last few years or you bite the bullet and start enjoying life like you did for that one week. Yeah, it wasn't hard to swallow having to shell out $135 for renewing my life. I got the size 39 and the experience in these was slightly different than before.

The threads in the big toe slot caused some callousing/blistering that was obnoxious and I wondered if maybe I'd just lucked out with the 40s and would never again feel so wonderful. The shoe was on the tight side, particularly on the right foot, the one so gravely injured back when. I still had the limp and some pain. I was worried ... did I have to return these too and just deal with a shitty life of leg pain forever because none of these orthos would touch me? Since I had 30d before the return deadline, I toughed it out and, after about 4-5d, I was once again pain free. An encounter with a once-comfortable Birkenstock sandal that caused ankle pain after a simple 20min stroll to, through, and out of a grocery store, reaffirmed my faith that the Vibrams were, in fact, the solution to my ills. I'm so happy being happily mobile again. The hikes with the dogs in the canyon will surely wear them out before they wear me out and I love the thought of that!

Now, if only Vibram would make a nice professional/dress shoe that I can wear to more formal affairs!

Vibram FiveFingers

If you've never heard of barefoot running, this is something that could change your lifestyle forever. I'd seen runners in a nearby town wearing these wacky blue shoes that looked like something a scuba diver/snorkeler would wear before putting on the flippers. They are like gloves for your feet, designed to help keep nasty urban stuff from hurting your feet while at the same time allowing your foot the freedom to re-learn how it is supposed to function. I was skeptical, but I read a lot of reviews and opinion pieces and medical reviews, both good and bad.

First, a little about myself and why this has been such an incredible addition to my shoe closet (one that might actually cause me to toss everything out, in fact). My whole childhood was spent running and playing and I was successful in nearly all the sports I played. I was intense which meant I was injury-prone. In retrospect, I lay blame on the coaches (and partly my parents, but they were no experts) for not emphasizing and incorporating strength and agility training in addition to practices. The list of orthopedic injuries I've suffered is fairly long and includes some intense ones: dislocated knee with torn ACL, MCL, menisci; dislocated ankle, snapped fibula, torn ligaments and tendons that couldn't be repaired; torn rotator cuff; shattered hand bones; broken arm; broken ankle. I was told, at 16, by an ortho that my knee (not the one dislocated 10y later) had about as much cartilage left as a 70 year old ex-Marine. The guy put me on Vioxx for whatever reason but I never noticed much improvement and went off it. Unfortunately, with each injury exercising, much less playing sports, became increasingly difficult and the pounds started showing. The worst of all injuries, the dislocated ankle and snapped fibula, had me in a cast for 6 months and I never recovered from function after that. Ironically, this injury was on the same leg as the knee sans cartilage, so I was doubly screwed. There was some physical therapy, but due to student insurance, I didn't get nearly as much as would have been needed. The ortho surgeon told me, too, that I'd basically have to depend on the developing scar tissue to provided stability and cushioning for the joint. At first I took it in stride, but year after year, I lost more and more mobility, always being told that I'll have to deal with it or I could take X, Y, Z drug. The change in gait caused more knee pain, which caused more lower back pain. I had excruciating sciatica during my first pregnancy. The lack of mobility was killer and I hated not being able to spend time at least walking. And on the pounds came ... and the sadness (no, not depression).

Over the course of the last few years, the only relief I found was buying good shoes every 3-5mo. This gets expensive and on a slave's salary, it wasn't always happening. And worse, the relief I'd feel trying on the shoes would last at most a month. With two dogs and an active toddler, I love going into the canyons or mountains to hike, but I could never predict how long I would last. Some days it could be 30 or more minutes, others I'd be finished after just 10 minutes. Imagine it takes you 20 minutes just to get ready to go and after 10 minutes of walking, you can't go any further because of pain! I was desperate to try anything non-pharmaceutical to change this status quo.

Despite the warnings from some podiatry/ortho sites about not using the FiveFingers without first consulting a doctor, I figured that I'd had enough (again) of doctors and their quackery. I was willing to take the $100+ leap in hopes of change, even though I'd have to rework a very tight budget to allow for this. Before committing to buy, I went to a local store to try them on. This was a bizarre experience because the shoes are so weird to put on. And the first time you do it, you're sure you're doing it wrong and that all that isn't worth the reward. But, stubborn as I am, I tried on two types (KSO and TrekSport) in 3 different sizes. Since these are glove-like, getting the size right is important and I didn't want to screw it up this adventure at the outset. I walked around in the first pair, the size that would eventually be correct, and after three steps my ankle "fell", or slide into place. I stopped, because usually this hurts like hell to take another step, but I went for the next stride ... and felt absolutely fantastic. I didn't believe it, and kept walking around with store employee eyeballs following me (apparently people have sprint out of the store wearing these just to have them). I'm obviously no sprinter, so I don't think they were all that worried. I tried on another size that was too small. Then another that was comfortable, but clearly too big. I was very happy with my new ankle, but knew I'd have to sleep on it. Putting my normally-comfortable Birkenstock sandals felt odd and I felt disconnected from the ground. The next day, at my lunch break, I tried on two different sizes again in the KSO Trek (men's, because women's is too narrow). It was tough, since the 39 felt snug, but what would happen if my ankle/foot swelled? The 40 had longer toes but gave a little more room in the foot. From what I've read, the shoes can stretch a little, but not nearly like conventional shoes. I settled on the 40, took the box, and wandered around the store contemplating this $135 investment. Is this worth it, to set us back that much at a time when we need pretty much every penny we have? What happens if they don't work out? Can I really hike in the desert with these? What if my injuries get worse? What if they get better? I decided to just do it, fork out the money in the hopes of a new life reminiscent of my single digit and early teenage years. As I paid for them, I asked about the return policy and that made it easier to hand over seven $20 bills. As I walked back to the car, I called the husband and told him. I could tell he was nervous about the money spent and skeptical, but, as always, supportive. (Yeah, he's awesome like that.) I was putting on the shoes (trying to) while talking to him, so I could put these bad boys to the test immediately. I had a haircut later in the afternoon, so why not put this to the test now and return the next day if it's a total disaster? I walked around stunned at how amazing it felt to walk on concrete. I felt light, almost like I was floating, not the heavy trudging I felt like I'd been doing the last 10 years, and especially the last 5 years. I didn't want to get too excited, and just kept walking, got the haircut, chatted with everyone about the shoes and went on my merry way. Vibram instructs first time users to slowly break the shoes in by wearing them only 1-2h a day for a few weeks. Well, I'm a rule breaker and wore these the first day for about 5 hours. Yes, it felt weird to have the shoes on, to have fabric between your toes, and walk on hard surfaces feeling like you're barefoot. That night, I was pleased and looking forward to the test the next day ... at the farm where we were new co-op members. Certainly that would be terrain worthy of testing these shoes and my leg's affinity to them.

Saturday morning arrived. Bright and early, my son and I packed up for the hour and a half drive to the high desert. I wore the KSOs to drive and really liked the feeling, and there was no pain. I point that out because some times just driving a shoe will cause knee pain that won't stop for a couple of days or until I give in and take a narcotic pain killer. Being pregnant with our second kid, that's obviously not an option. We get to the farm, with it's pebbly terrain, sticks, hoses, random equipment, and cow poop. I was so nervous that I'd be in such serious pain in a few minutes that I wouldn't be able to safely drive back (yes that's happened before, too). I did have a back up pair of flip-flops (the only ones to have never caused joint pain, so definitely keepers), so that relieved some anxiety. We walked over to the cow pens. So far so good. Felt some rocks, but nothing painful. In fact, it was kind of encouraging to actually feel the ground. Thirty minutes went by, still no pain. An hour, nothing. Could it be? Could it be that after years and dozens of shoes, a simple shoe that forced the foot to be practically barefoot is the answer!? After two hours, I was so happy because the only pain I had was a little bit of friction along the big toe, which I had been prepared for after all my internet research, though I have yet to develop the blisters I've read about. I drove home, meat and milk and tired toddler in the car. This return trip would serve as another test. Sometimes, I'll be able to walk and stand for this same amount of time, but after some time resting, my ankle is so stiff, I walk like I don't have knees and it is so painful to bear weight on that leg. This sort of shit lends itself to a couch potato lifestyle. I called the husband close to his school and asked if he wanted to get lunch so I made the unscheduled stop. Out of the car my legs went, my feet landing on the asphalt ... I lean over to get out and to my surprise there's little prohibitive swelling! No way. Yes way! Again, there was some minimal friction-related pain, but nothing I couldn't deal with. I kept the shoes on to play with our son in the backyard, which is nearly as hazardous as the farm we were at! We have a roughly a 7', 45 degree slope at the back of our yard. I've never been able to scale this thing without some sort of stick or grasping at the grass and scrambling up. So I thought, "what the hell, let's see if these work." Lo and behold, I was scaling like Spiderman. That night, I couldn't shut up about how happy I was that, not only could I do all this stuff, but that as I was lying in bed, I wasn't moaning about the pain I was in or demanding an arnica oil rub down. My husband then says "I've noticed too that your attitude is much better, you're not as pissy." Hahaha, after just one day of wearing these things! I should mention here that I knew my husband for exactly one week before I dislocated my ankle, so for him to say this, really means something (and not just that I've been a total jerk the last 7 years!). Being pregnant means getting up at least a couple times at night. These can be terrible if the ankle has had some bad swelling and I have sometimes felt like just lying in bed, dealing with the embarrassing results of not getting up just to avoid the pain. I've always gotten up, but have not always been able to get back to sleep because of the pain from the swelling and weight-bearing. Saturday night was therefore another test, that was passed with flying colors: only minimal stiffness that was easily managed.

Sunday, bright and early, we went to the canyon with dogs and child in tow. Downhill terrain has been tough in the hiking shoes as my ankle never felt strong and stable. Imagine you have to walk on crutches and one of those crutches is a dead fish ... limp and useless as a crutch. That's pretty much what the ankle is like going downhill on uneven, gravely terrain. The first 50ft out of the parking lot is a steep downhill that I conquered like a pro. We walked at a good pace for 1.5mi, mostly uphill, then back another 1.5mi mostly downhill. It wasn't until we got to the flat parking lot that some bones in my foot cracked as though they repositioned and that hurt like hell. My "healthy" leg was shaking a bit by the end, but it didn't hurt. Nothing did, besides the friction on the toe. Yes there was a bit of stiffness in the ankle, but nothing too bad. We dropped the dogs off, ran a few errands, where normally I would have been on the couch with ice packs and drugs. Since the kid was needing his nap, we went home and we all napped. And what happened after the nap? Nothing, just some sore muscles but those were welcome any time if it meant that my ankle wasn't going to hold me back. Even now, sitting here writing this, 10h after the hike ended, I have tons of mobility/flexibility in the ankle, no knee pain at all. I can only hope this lasts, because this is the happiest I've been, physically, since I was about 10 years old or so. I'm looking forward to many more day hikes and trips to the mountains and hoping that our oldest dog, who is now limping from the long hike because of a hurt shoulder that has bothered her for a while now, can keep up.

In short, while I recognize the importance of medical advice, it is just that: advice. You know your body best and know what does, doesn't, most likely won't work. If you're desperate and have the money to spare, Vibram FiveFinger shoes are definitely worth a try. And no, I'm not paid by them to say that.

The big holiday surprise

We've been a five member family for 21mo now. LB and I have been together going on our seventh year, being married for the last 3 years. I came into the relationship with four-legged B1. A month after our wedding, we took in B2, another four-legged fur baby. Nine months after that, there was something strange afoot. Something about my clockwork was off. Could it be? Indeed, it was! There was much to be done and we were far, far away from family and friends. I was getting ready to finish grad school and go on to postdoctoral work, and LB had to find work in the new city. December came, we moved to the Northwest and had our first kid, NMTB, in March 2009. It was quite the adventure from there on out, including a move back to Southern California because LB couldn't find work and we needed to cut costs, so moving back in to our house was an obvious solution. I found another postdoc job close to the house and we hoped LB would find work given his industry connections down here. He did, but thanks to state budgets being approved and him being the last hired, he was the first fired. So Thanksgiving went by with some down emotions, but still with plenty of hope. December rolled in and we made time for family on the weekends, despite the tremendous demands at work, because without a healthy family, work sucks more than it already does. NMTB's second Christmas, but first in which he participated, was great! He has enjoyed every present he has gotten and we are thankful for wonderful family and friends that make a day like this so memorable and enjoyable. We even took him ice skating thanks to super-discounted tickets from groupon! He loved it, but tired easily, so thank heavens for cheap tickets. We made a trip to the mountains and, although there was little sled-able snow, we had a fun time out. Another hectic, pressure-filled work week rolled in too quickly and rolled out too slowly before NYE.
But something was awry, something was missing. I checked the calendar and indeed, the clockwork was off. This wasn't wholly unusual since NMTB's entry to the world, so I thought little of it. Until another day went by. And another. And another. Lo and behold, on 29. December, I saw a faint little line on the test strip. I called LB over to verify I wasn't nuts or hallucinating. "What? What am I supposed to look for ... Oh, yeah, there's something faint. Does that mean you're ... you're ... you're pregnant?" Off to google I went to check future dates and now we're looking to welcome another little one to the mix in September 2011. (I can only hope it is not 9/11/11.) LB is excited and panicked: excited at having another little kid, panicked because he still doesn't have work and how it's going to be when we have two kids under 3. People manage this all the time and I have tremendous faith that he will land a job in the coming weeks. It's a hunch, a feeling, that it'll pan out sooner rather than later ... and all I can do now is hope that my gut is right. I am excited as well, but worry has set in. I wasn't totally prepared, physically, to be pregnant again so soon. I feel sluggish and stressed about work. My train to the road of post-partum health had been derailed by this on-going stress and anxiety. And I realized on NYE that I have very little memory of what it was that I did during the first pregnancy that made it so seemingly easy and healthy (except for the pain in the ass sciatica and round ligament pain and the PIH that set during the week after NMTB's due date). I feel like I need to go workout, to get better physically and to relieve the stress. But my ankle, especially, is killing me. One week after I met LB, I had such a major ankle dislocation that the orthos couldn't put it back together and said I'd have to depend on the scar tissue to hold it in place. It's been a burden, but has seemingly gotten worse in the last 4-6mo. I've also been terribly exhausted by the lack of sleep, since NMTB has a very dry, hoarse cough going for several weeks now. Although we run the humidifier and the heater, he still sounds pretty bad and wakes us up with bad coughing a few times a night. So I find myself at the computer thinking, "Jeez, what in the world did I do to make sure in utero NMTB was going to be ultra healthy?" Now I'm back at the drawing board, remembering things like whole food prenatals, supplements like folic acid, fish oil, chromium/vanadium, silver, iodine, iron, glucosamine/chondroitin, acv, etc. The problem is, I don't know how good/bad any of these are for pregnancy ... I know FA and FO are ok, I've read that ACV is fine ... but what about iodine and G/C? Am I overloading on iron? I feel breathless a lot, despite the iron supplement and iron-rich foods I'm concentrating on taking in. In other words, I have a lot of research to catch up on, since this was not an explicitly planned pregnancy. But I'm excited and looking forward to finding out what this kid is, what name we will choose, and I can't wait to meet it.

For now, I'm going to try to be vigilante about recording the things I do so that if there's another kid after this one in our future, I'll have a nice reference guide. :)